de retours...

8:21 on a sunday morning and i have been up for almost two hours. jet lag is a bad bedfellow. i am cold and the world is snow covered. why am i here? what am i doing? sappily existential i know. not because within the hour i will have finally finished brothers karamazov and not because i am a true practictioner of the alexander technique, but rather because the return to cleveland always provokes the thoughts. watched four movies on the plane from paris, have slept less than 5 hours each night despite terrible exhaustion. and strangely feel like hiding out from the world. don't want to see anyone because i am afraid it will drive home all too forcefully the fact that i am arrived, i am here, and therefore i am not somewhere else...

maybe my mom is right and i am like the little girl in the sunflower field. i walk down each row trying to find the most beautiful flower. walking, passing, searching. but without really knowing what the search is for. only to find myself at the end of the last row, no more flowers, nothing in my hands.